labyrinths · in · the · brain...

When u were a kid, parents would ask you, "so will you rather have beauty or brains?"
I used to answer " brains, of course."
"why?" would be the next question.
"because brains will make u smart n not fall into traps, earn lots of money n be rich. once you r rich, u can have beauty".

or so i thought. true enough, you can have a reasonable job, but how much r u going to spend making urself beautiful?
-gym classes, diets, doctor consultations to make u slim.
-hair treatments, haircuts, styling products for your hair.
-chemical peeling, laser treatments, facial packages, skincare products, face mask, eyemask, sleeping masks to make u radiant.
-concealer, eyebrow shaping, mascara, contact lens for bigger more beautiful eyes.
-braces, teeth whitening for perfect teeth.
-manicure, pedicure packages, hand masks, hand creams, leg tanning spray to hide signs of aging.
-shoes, clothes, push up bras, grindle, thongs, stockings.
- magazines to poison ur mind abt how to make urself attractive

are these worth it? because i spend my money on all these things i dont save enough. n here i am being disappointed with myself. but it seems that despite all these efforts it is always not enough because u r basically not a natural beauty. i wonder if things will be diff if i had chosen beauty in the past.

is it just a self confidence issue? or because my expectations r too high? or because im always envious of my sister?

thinking abt too many things... y cant he say the things i wanna hear? cant he just cajole me or hug me 4 a while? when there is such a pregnant pause when i asked if he will still like me if im no longer accomodating, my eyes started to swell with tears... does he need that long to reply me? what if he is wrong n im not accomodating at all? im demanding n erratic n prone to extreme behaviprs.. smtimes i dun even understand myself n my feelings.

  

 

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I think this year is a year when I learn about a lot of things in life. "Growing up", "facing reality" they call it. Perhaps so, but it hurts. I cant really remember how many times I've cried this year but it's definately a lot more than usual. I am no longer the happy girl in the past, the happy girl who set up this blog when I was 15. 

Tonight I'm hurting again. I'm crying. Because for the first time in my whole life I think the most important people in my life are just an image. I doubt, seriously doubt if they are real, whether I'm just liking the image I painted in my mind. Money I can live without, probably boyfriends as well. Tonight the people who hurt me are those whom I thought I could trust-  my friends. Do I even have real friends anymore? Maybe I do have some, but I think the bulk of them never did care even though I did. None of them in that group cared enough to even remember my birthday, even after the exams. They have their bfs, their work, their holiday, I'm just very much forgettable. Am I angry? Perhaps..but I'm more hurt...because I thought you all were my friends as much as I am yours.

A part of me tells myself to let it go because that's life. In the real world, there's no real friends, that's why you have to stand on your two feet and dependent on yourself. People may appear to be your friend but backstab you in the end. Snakes in suits. Perhaps it's time to learn that lesson early before I start work. Perhaps friendship, like the concept of love is overrated and belongs to Disney. What's the use of having so many people on your facebook or friendster or whatever shit then? Right now I feel like deleting away my account and turn my back on the rest of the world. No interaction with anyone else so that no one can hurt me.