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labyrinths · in · the · brain...
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Funny how people turn to blogging when one is unhappy or in an emotional turmoil. I havent blogged for such a long time and yet, now, having no where else to turn to. I came back here. I've tried writing on paper, thinking that it might be more private, but my handwriting sux nowadays. I do miss him even though I refuse to say it. I feel like there's no emotional support when he's not around. Like today when I'm angry with the bunch of guys. I have to hold myself back to that I dont complain to him. But seriously, I feel like I've been taken advantage of when so many things pile up. I volunteer so many things and yet some how the efforts were not recognised and not appreciated. And people are just being people. I know things are cryptic now. Perhaps later when I come back to read this, I cant remember what I'm talking about either. Nowadays... I just dont know what is happening and I dont know what to do either. |
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Supplier spree. No restriction of items including mist/ spray items. No waiting items will reach Singapore on 28th June.
Feedback: [+5/-0] My 2nd spree in this community. ( Coastal Scents Spree 1 ) |
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I feel deliciously wicked. |
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I think this year is a year when I learn about a lot of things in life. "Growing up", "facing reality" they call it. Perhaps so, but it hurts. I cant really remember how many times I've cried this year but it's definately a lot more than usual. I am no longer the happy girl in the past, the happy girl who set up this blog when I was 15. Tonight I'm hurting again. I'm crying. Because for the first time in my whole life I think the most important people in my life are just an image. I doubt, seriously doubt if they are real, whether I'm just liking the image I painted in my mind. Money I can live without, probably boyfriends as well. Tonight the people who hurt me are those whom I thought I could trust- my friends. Do I even have real friends anymore? Maybe I do have some, but I think the bulk of them never did care even though I did. None of them in that group cared enough to even remember my birthday, even after the exams. They have their bfs, their work, their holiday, I'm just very much forgettable. Am I angry? Perhaps..but I'm more hurt...because I thought you all were my friends as much as I am yours. A part of me tells myself to let it go because that's life. In the real world, there's no real friends, that's why you have to stand on your two feet and dependent on yourself. People may appear to be your friend but backstab you in the end. Snakes in suits. Perhaps it's time to learn that lesson early before I start work. Perhaps friendship, like the concept of love is overrated and belongs to Disney. What's the use of having so many people on your facebook or friendster or whatever shit then? Right now I feel like deleting away my account and turn my back on the rest of the world. No interaction with anyone else so that no one can hurt me. |
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So I did manage to create a rather beautiful tiramisu layer cake after all... on monday. 
managed to get the cream to the right consistency... and managed to do the side details this time.. 
ran out of the chocolate flakes and had to use the 'good stuff' for the toppings instead. The chocolate shavings are Hershely's Special Dark chocolate, shaved from the chocolate bar.. hehe.. it was kinda fun doing that.. My manager ate it, and she said it was good enough to be sold. hehe.. In fact, she said for future focus groups, (with the approval from the lady boss), she might just outsource all the cake making to me.. so that I get to earn extra income. Though life's been good recently, I'm entering one of my dark moods again. I suspect it's the backlash, since I havent been taking my medication for quite sometime. Been shopping, tried on many clothes, bought stuff, but I guess the high has worn off. All I want now is for you to be with me. |
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Exam's done with. Results are out. Didn't do very well.. but it was ok overall I guess. I have been just relaxing, baking, doing part time jobs. I don't really want to take up a full time job because I think I should relax for the time being. Let me show you the things I've baked this week: Monday: 2 Strawberry, banana custard pies.. 
Nope.. I didn't cheat, everything's from scratch, even the pie base. I didn't use the store bought pie base, but followed a receipe for a egg yolk pie base from allreceipes.com For Jingwen's bday on Friday, I tried the Tiramisu Layer Cake.. 
I wasn't really happy with the results because the sides aren't done well, and the layers kinda slanted when I was transporting it. And before completing the cake, I ran into some trouble with the cream because I over-whipped it, and it ended up forming butter (ie, the water and the oil layer separated), it was horrible. I really felt like crying then because the cake was good and I didn't want it to be destroyed. Luckily Zhumei was there to give me support, and we drove out to get more cream and prepared it again. Now I know, you cannot prepare the cream 2 hours beforehand, put it into the fridge and stir it again when you assemble the cake. Otherwise you will end up forming butter instead. Sighh... But I guess the overall result's still passable. Went to Riverside Indo Rest, at Clarke Quay to have dinner with Jingwen, Zhumei and Crystal. The food's really good and cheap. $10++each for 6 course dinner. The chicken is really good. Sighh... I think I ate a lot this week. :(
 The inner layer when it's cut open. Looks pretty ok just that I have to remember not to use M&Ms to trim the edges because the colour runs! ughh.. looks so artifical. -_- I made it again for Father's Day. I don't have a big pic of it, and the pics of it aren't very clear, but today's result is really a lot better than the 1st try on Friday. The cream was good. But I can't figure out one thing. Because it's a layered cake I have to bake 3 separate layers of cake first and assemble them when they are cooled. The 1st try, the top most layer was a bit smaller than the 2 other layers. The thickest is the same just that the circumference is smaller. I thought it was because I used 2 different pans so there's some differences. Today, I used the same pan for all 3 layers. It took a lot longer. However, the top layer is still smaller than the other 2! I cant figure out why. It's not because I havent divided the mixture into 3 uneven portions either because I have measured them equally into 3 different bowls and made sure that they are the same before transferring them to the baking pan. I can't figure out why.. Sighh.. I think I shall try it one last time for Edina's church camp before moving on to Chocolate Banana Meringue next week... |
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First paper today. It was ok. I didn't have a brain freeze. I think I'll do ok. I hope. David called and wake me up and cheered me up by telling me to write my exam in pink sparkly pen so that it'll be fun. I would have gone for it, except that prof has this 10% component called professionalism, and I don't think using pink sparkly pen for the exam is going to be real professional. But it made me laugh and brightened my mood for the morning. It was only after the paper when I realised that, I just tackled the easiest paper of the lot this term. Tax is going to be a killer, I don't even have the mood or concentration to listen to what the prof was saying during the consultation, it was this trapped feeling and I just need to get out of the school. Went for C appointment, thought through a lot of stuff, about things that I need to do short term, and my long term wants, about what do I really want. I'm still not sure, but Im trying to find out. Studied some 3 chapters of Accounting Theory, then went into this sudden high. I don't really know what actually happened the last few hours actually. I was really happy and high that my exams are going to be over on friday, and that I can really enjoy myself. Get properly drunk, do whatever I want for maybe 1 week then work. Ive decided not to go for a normal internship or job this holiday and just do part time job so that I can have more time off. Perhaps it's because my friends are scared of me when I mentioned that I want to get properly drunk. Is it really that bad? I just want to forget things for a while and start things anew. No one seems to understand that. It seems like there's really no one who can identify with me here. And after that, I just sank again. Why is it that there are so many people around when you are happy but none when you are down or sad? |
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I think after so long.. i'm finally feeling the stress of the impending exams. Specifically my Advanced Audit paper, which is tmr. 6 sides of cheat sheet is allowed. I only did 2 sides, 4 more to go, and I'm not sure what to put in. Not to mention tax on thursday. Went through the material once already, but I still cant do the corporate tax. Accounting Theory on Friday and I have not touched them yet. Im going to try to remain positive and calm, and damn it, Im going to sleep adequately before my exams so that I dont freeze up during the audit paper again.
Current Mood: |
 stressed | |
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If you know your 3 inch heels hurt you and are already giving you blisters, and yet you took a 20 mins walk home resulting in super big blisters on the sole of your feet....
is that a form of self torture, self inflicting pain? |
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Sitting at the corner window seat of Coffee bean, in a chair that will eat you up, watching the Shenton Way crowd rushing out of their offices, looking at what the girls are wearing. Some had bad taste, but instead of coiling away in distaste, I am feeling rather indifferent. Just sitting here, watching the crowd, listening to sad Korean songs, even the sweet vanilla ice blended suddenly taste too overwhelming. I feel somehow fossilized, frozen in time. Just wasting time away despite knowing very well that I have tons to do. Part of me want to run and hide, part of me wants to be in touch with people. Perhaps it’s only times like these I can have both worlds. The appearance and feel of being surrounded by tons of people but in fact I am very detached from the rest. It is as if there’s a cling wrap around this brown chair that detaches me from the rest of the moving world. Even the air around me feels stagnant. |
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 Unfortunately this doesn't work now. |
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I can't decide. Yday I've made up my mind that I need to get out and I'll do anything to get me enough money to get out of Sg asap. Today, I've confirmed all the weekend jobs that I can do straight after my exams. Now, I have to find a day job, from monday to friday. Finding the job isn't the problem. Prob is the timing. Perhaps the prob is too many opportunities. I could write to korea to ask for an internship there because the application deadline isnt' over. But that's a bit tricky in terms of admin. I dont' mind skipping one week of school because of this. The prob is whether I still have the energy to focus and give my best when I'm there. Good thing is of course I'm in Korea. Bad thing is, I won't be able to play if I'm working there. Applied for another one. Pay is great. Work is relatively fine not very challenging. It will end just about 1 week before my term starts. Ideally of course, I would want 2 weeks of holiday. After all these, I found one internship that is very very interesting and I really like it. It would of course encompass whatever I've learnt, make my resume shine. But the pay isnt very great and if I take it up, it means I start right after my exams and work all the way up till the next term starts. I dont know if my mind can take it. But then, it's a fantastic opportunity, and I would kinda hate to let it go without a fight. Aiyahhh.. I want everything. Exciting, pays well, and allows me to have a holiday. Perhaps I'm asking too much. |
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Gorgeous weather today. Makes me feel like going for one of those spring/summer picnic/beer parties in Korea. I don't want to be in school. Don't want to be stuck in a lonely GSR desperately trying to do my work. I really hate modified term. Perhaps it's because I'm not strong enough and because I get lonely really easily. Without anyone beside me, I can't do anything besides wanting to just hole up in my room and stare into space then passing out and sleeping the day away. Seriously need a break after this. I dont care if it's Korea or anywhere else, I need to get out of the country for more than 1 week. Without anything to worry about, and just doing whatever I like. With perhaps one or 2 close friends beside me. So if Korea is somehow impossible, I don't care if it's Thailand, Hk or Aussie, or even Malaysia.. haha.. I just need to get out . Perhaps all the happiness and good luck that I have stored up have depleted. I really think that going on a good holiday or just going anywhere else, charges up your happiness level. Then it's the disgusting, stressful times in school, at work that slowly depletes them. After coming back, it was hectic school, then internship, then school again. non stop. I've ran out of "happy-fuel". I'm just mopping around in school, trying to find a last bit in me to finish fighting the last 2 weeks fo school. I just don't want to do everything. Everything seems to be down. I can't study, I can't work, I can't talk, I can't sleep too much either. Slowly, I've noticed that even my self confidence have gone down. I dont' walk the way I used to walk, with vigour and confidence. I'm just walking really slowly and taking mini mini grandmother steps now. I suppose I shld be comforted to know that the end is near. Then I can recharge my happy fuel again. |
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I am upset. This morning when I was crossing the road to go for my class. This little korean boy barely up to my hips, just bumped into me. I didn't say anything, figured that it was just an accident. We went into the same lift. And there he was standing at the other side of the lift and staring angrily at me, mumbling in korean.. couldnt' hear what he was mumbling except something like saying that I was bad. What the hell! You are the one who bumped into me from behind. I didn't press the matter, and there you are assuming that you can just scold me in korean. I was pretty pissed about it. And I wanted to scold him that I'm your elder, that it's your fault and you are in no position to scold me in korean! What the fuck.. I couldn't say it out. I couldn't even scold a 7 year old in korean. The only curse words that I know in korean are like "fuck you and bitch" and that's a bit much for a 7 year old boy. How come I never get to learn any other korean swear words? My korean teachers didn't teach me, and my korean friends, the guys refused to teach me, the girls... well those words just never came up. I need to learn more swear words man! Want to scold people properly. I need to learn how to scold people. Stupid cocky korean little kid. Think you know korean very power ah? Smack you then you know! I'm a decade older than you, I'm your elder how dare to do this to me! Next time I see you, I'll scold you upside down! arghhhh... |
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After thinking for 2 days, I'm regretting having sent out a particular email at 2am.
I just hope it's not the biggest mistake in my life. |
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kendra_zeng's journal
